March 1983

?

What if I see
            the brightness of the dark
                  and hear the sounds of silence?

                         What if
                            emptiness

                                fills my                                               
                                     lonely
                                         heart?

What if loneliness
              makes me out of pain and
                         what if pain mends my broken heart?

March 1983

wishes

i'm alone,
watching the days go by.

i can see before me,
a day when you go,
go faraway.

wish you will know that i don't want you to go.

but i could never hold,
only the memories i could keep,
only the emptiness i feel
and the pain that would remain
perhaps forever.

wish i could bring back the days
when i was so young
and did not know what's trouble
and what's pain.

but life flows on...

and now,
wish i could hold these days,
but i can't and never will
because they are running
very fast.

February 1983

sometimes

               i longed to love you,
               i longed to see you and show you
               how much i love you.

i longed to see you loving me too.

sometimes, i find myself hating you
for not loving me.

i know you can afford to love many,
i do know if you can afford to love me.

but
sometime, somewhere,
you will find yourself loving me forever.

January 1983

forever

she stood there,
               while others were asleep.

she stood there,
              aware of how love was so unfaithful to her.

she stood there,
              and saw many promises
              and she knew half of it were broken
              and half were only lies.

she stood there,
             and she knew she's leaving
             but others were still sleeping.

and I stood beside her,
            to wake them up.

she still stood there,
           and she said: don't disturb them,
           leave them sleeping.

i still stood there, i saw her leaving.
then they suddenly woke up,
          and found her gone forever.
            

December 1982

 if you could just read my mind and my heart

i remember that you once played a part in my young
heart and mind, though only a short while 

and that was only yesterday.

and now, if i could only ask you stay with me for a while 

and then look at me and hope that you would

remember that you knew me, though

ot the girl you once loved.

if you could only read my mind as well as my heart that you came back, 

but very much deeper than yesterday. what made it deeper

because yesterday i did not know what "hurt' means. 

and now i know the painful meaning 

of the word.

if you could just read my mind and my heart how i'm hurt when i realized 

that i like you more than what you think - an ordinary longtime

friend of yours.  perhaps... i don't know what to say. 

i honestly say, i'm really hurt and keep on asking why did time still allowed you 

to come back again in my heart and mind, just to realize that you'll 

be very far from me because you're leaving. but even if you're

not you would still be mine but still only in dreams. 

how i wish you could read my mind and my heart that i really don't want you to go,

that i want you to stay here and show me just your smiles. 

but if you could, you would still go.

and the emptiness that you'd be leaving behind had started to strike in every corner 

of my mind and heart. it really hurts me to see you go and i don't know

if you would be coming back, if i would be seeing you again.

but why did time still allowed you to come back? if i ask you why, 

you would not know. if you could just read... 

perhaps you would know that it hurts 

me to see you go.

November 1981

                                   a heart locked

      i forced myself to write this poem,
      to let you know my strange feeling towards you,
      you may not believe me but this is true.

      i am not supposed to write this poem
      because the world may laugh at me,
      but this is the only way in which i could
      express feelings honestly.

                                                          
                                                     

                                                               if you'll know this special feeling i'm keeping,
                                                               i'm sure you will laugh at me too,
                                                               i knew you can't feel the same to me,
                                                               i could face all these things, anayway.

                                                               i forced myself to forget you,
                                                               but i just can't do, and this poem is dedicated
                                                               to you only, from somewhere in my heart
                                                               which is lonely.

September 9, 1986

For Fe

If I have to close my eyes,
       could I still hear the sobs
       caught in a web of guilt and pain?

If I have to close my eyes,
       could I still feel every drop of tear
       trapped in the midst of emptiness?

If I have to close my eyes,
      could I still count the beats of a saddened heart
      overwhelmed by cruel time?

If I could,
    don't wake me up.